Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.