Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.