[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
23. the denim jacket
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Ugh but profoundly
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog