Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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*sewing*
A thread
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning