you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE