When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents