[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
the composer
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”