ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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mentally somewhere in italy
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer