Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting