A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
A fake ID that makes you younger
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.