Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Self-cleaning conscience
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.