rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing