Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Nothing to do, you say?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*