I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN