If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!