I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Practicing safe sax
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Shortcut
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*