It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.