Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?