Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”