“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.