Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
it is time once again
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.