I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD