ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I think I鈥檓 a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who鈥檚 wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Mothers just don鈥檛 eat their young like they used to.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you鈥檙e gonna have to shower after anyway.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!