The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
それは草
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
guys i’ve cracked the code
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.