Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project