My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
WHO DID THIS?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
🤣🤣🤣
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke