Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
You Might Also Like
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Sometimes? I’m slipping
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
That lamp looks PISSED.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*