Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Born to be mild.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.