maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I like long walks away from everyone
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.