Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot