I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.