If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
🙁
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.