Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Here’s a meme
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.