In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles