t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
good for her
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.