My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Love this guy
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
That’s enough internet for the day
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.