Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
What if the weather talks about us?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever