A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.