read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro