I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You Might Also Like
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Current mood: Potato
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew