me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
No way!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.