dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?