Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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Monday
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
This headline is a thing of beauty
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back