Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You Might Also Like
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.