[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
#ParentingFacts
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure