I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*