Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Cardio Made Easy
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
October already? What’s next? November????
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Nothing.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not