I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.