Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I told my vodka about you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The “research” scene in every horror movie
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.