Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
You Might Also Like
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.